OCD/CPTSD

POCD is by far the worst theme I have ever dealt with. And I’ve dealt with a lot. Atleast, with every other theme I beloved I wanted to be happy, and wanted to be loved and tried to do things that made me happy. With pocd I feel I do t deserve any of that bc I am a “bad person.” I feel actual pedophiles don’t deserve those things, so I believe that for myself. I really hope I’m not. I mean, deep down I KNOW I’m not, but ocd keeps trying to find and cling to “proof”. So shitty. It’s genuinely so exhausting. Anyone else struggling rn?

I don’t even know what to think or do anymore. I just think my fears are true and I’m in denial about it. I’ve been struggling with school and motivation for awhile now. My parents and family are amazing and have been paying for my education and I keep messing up. I am super lazy and I miss lectures, and I keep always telling myself I’m going to do better and end up barely passing at the end of the semester. I know we aren’t our thoughts but we are our actions and I feel like I choose to live content with being a burden and selfish. The fact that I choose to listen to the thoughts in my head and do compulsions shows that I really don’t care about being better because if I did I would just do it. I always keep thinking at this point that the morals that I had before OCD 3 years ago are gone. I keep questioning if I am not acting on the thoughts because that is my values and who I am or if I am just not acting on them because of luck. I don’t know if I am not acting on them because of how I feel rather than how acting on them would harm others. I am just so weak, and I don’t know if I deserve to live the rest of my life. And I feel so fucking guilty for saying this but there are times where I think about all of this and it doesn’t motivate me to change at all and I just can’t stand myself for that. I just feel like a sociopath who is constantly whining and complaining and screwing up. I used to feel like I did compulsions because I cared about protecting people and now I just think my compulsions are centered around my own selfishness and anxiety. It’s like there are times where I’m not trying to prevent myself from doing something wrong or trying to make sure that I don’t have bad intentions which is so messed up with the thoughts that I have.

Hello everyone. I was diagnosed with OCD a month ago and it was a pretty crazy diagnosis because I went so long not understanding what I was going through. The onset of my OCD was in childhood for a brief period of time and then again when I was in college for a few months. Now as an adult it has manifested into ROCD. Because my subtype isn’t outlandish like my other theme is it doesn’t feel real and I find myself getting more stuck into the cycle. My main struggle with ROCD is the fear that I still have feelings for an ex and that I want to be with them. This theme presented itself initially in my previous relationship and pertains to the same ex. It presented itself again in my current relationship and it made me spiral bad when it first came up for me 4 months ago. It’s been particularly hard for me this past month and I have gotten to the part where I have so much su*cide ideation. I wish I could be fully present in my relationship with my partner who I genuinely have so many feelings for and am happy with. I feel so much shame for having these thoughts. What can I do?