POCD self guilt

POCD is by far the worst theme I have ever dealt with. And I’ve dealt with a lot. Atleast, with every other theme I beloved I wanted to be happy, and wanted to be loved and tried to do things that made me happy. With pocd I feel I do t deserve any of that bc I am a “bad person.” I feel actual pedophiles don’t deserve those things, so I believe that for myself. I really hope I’m not. I mean, deep down I KNOW I’m not, but ocd keeps trying to find and cling to “proof”. So shitty. It’s genuinely so exhausting. Anyone else struggling rn?

Username: fawninthedesert fawninthedes...

Date posted: 1y ago

Different topic but my ocd is doing this, it’s so exhausting and disheartening.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

Me!! I feel this I know exactly what you me you knowww your not but ocd keeps reeling looping searching for meaning searching for what ifs and a general over all constant discomfort. I have boughts of doing well and then something will trigger me and I feel it start all over as if it was as intense as it ever was I want to be free I want to feel comfortable with myself and around other people. I dealt with ROCD and Health ocd was really bad for a time but this is another animal for sure. Struggling to push on. 😫 ocd knows that my baby girl is near and dear to me and it has ne locked in.

Username: Big MikeBig Mike

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

I know exactly what you mean. Before I started ERP I could barely get through the day because my mind was constantly bombarded with fears that I was just a pedophile in denial. Sometimes it's still bad but the less I feed into it the less power it has in my life. Like now I know that I prefer women 18+ (I'm 22) but I'm afraid that if I find any 16 year olds attractive for example, than that means I actually want to take advantage of them. Even if I know deep down I'd never knowingly engage with that. Even though I know that it's natural for young men to find post pubescent girls attractive.

Username: Smsm3Smsm3

Date posted: 1y ago

@Big Mike Exactly. I actually am 16, been struggling with pocd since I was 14, which has been rough. What sucks is my pocd focuses in on fake characters, that I am incapable of actually ever harming, rather than real people which I know I’d never harm. Yet it still makes me believe I am just as horrible. Ugh

Username: Big MikeBig Mike

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

@Smsm3 It's still applying those fictional characters to the real world though, right? It's saying that if I can find a fictional child attractive i can find a real child attractive isn't it? I know because I've had those same thoughts myself. They're hard to dismiss, really hard. But all of that is really just an example of how important the safety of children really is to you, since OCD tries to convince you your worst fears are reality.

Username: Smsm3Smsm3

Date posted: 1y ago

@Big Mike Yes, definitely. But I’m also like, sure deep down I’d never be attracted to a real child?? Its mainly looking at old characters I actually thought I was attracted to when I was younger and analyzing if they look too young or not for me. Awful feeling

Username: Big MikeBig Mike

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

@Smsm3 I'd definitely recommend not actually pulling them up and looking at them because that's "checking" and it's a compulsion that's gonna make it harder to feel normal without pulling it up in the future, and then you're gonna feel bad for pulling it up over and over again and it becomes this positive feedback loop. My advice would be to accept that you'll never really be sure how you felt about it years ago. Your OCD has clouded your memory of it and you'll have to accept some level of uncertainty. To even go a step further, my therapist always tells me to avoid certainty phrases like "I know I'd never do xyz" and say something like "I don't think I'd ever so xyz but I guess I can't see the future so who really knows." It's hard at first but it helps you learn to accept the anxiety and also avoids feeding into the OCD cycle.

Username: Smsm3Smsm3

Date posted: 1y ago

@Big Mike Thank you. I’ll try that!

Username: 0Aqi0

Date posted: 5y ago

**tw; mentions of pocd and harm ocd** Sorry in advance for the long post. I feel as if I should address pocd, because talking about it to people who understand seems to help me a lot. I’ve always had OCD, however, I didn’t get this particular theme until I was 17 (I’m 19 now) and a senior in high school. Pedophilia was briefly mentioned in my psych course, and my brain went absolutely nuts telling me “what if I’m capable of being that.” Similar things have happened in my past; OCD tricked me into believing I was a murderer when I was around 7 because of crime segments on the news, and OCD later tricked me into thinking I could be a serial killer, but pocd arguably is the worst theme to have and all of you that have it are literally the strongest people alive. On top of that, I’ve only ever been attracted to older adults, yet this theme still persists. I just want to go back to the version of me that I was before I got this theme. If I had a do over in life I would have never taken that course, it straight up ruined my life. I will literally take any other theme over pocd at this point honestly. Thank you for reading if you’ve gotten this far, you’re a very patient person lmao bless.

Username: Jbgys543

Date posted: 1y ago

POCD and guilt

I’ve had many ocd themes before, but none of them have given me as much guilt, anxiety, and shame as POCD has. All these groinal responses, thoughts, feelings, etc. makes me sick of myself and wish I wasn’t me. I feel like all of this is gonna stick with me for the rest of my life and I’m gonna remember all of these things for the rest of my life. I feel like I need to tell my future partner all about this and all about the groinal responses that I have had. I just want all of this to be over and I wish that this POCD never happened. I constantly wish that I could go back to my past OCD themes, they tortured me but compared to POCD I want them back. I wish everyday too that a new theme will come along and all these things will just go away. I feel like my ocd is different than everyone else’s, I feel so alone and I’ve been suicidal over these things and I just want them to all end

Username: Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

POCD

Serious trigger warning here for POCD and suicide. I have these thoughts, urges, and feelings that are terrifying. I don’t act on them and I believe I would never act on them but it feels so real and horrible. I don’t know how this started and I want to believe I am a good person but I’m just so scared that I’m going to do something terrible. And even just these thoughts scare me to my core and make me think, “oh what if I am a pedophile” even though I know I’m not, and I don’t know how to deal with them. When I can keep myself busy it gets easier to forget this stuff, but if I have downtime I can’t get it out of my head. I had a young girl, most likely middle school age, come into my work with her parents today and I was terrified of the idea that I could be attracted to her. I don’t believe I truly am but my thoughts get so aggressive that I don’t even know what to believe. I avoid a lot of things but sometimes you don’t have the option to avoid and it just gets things further stuck in my head and I end up fixating on awful things. I wake up with this stuff floating around my mind and I can’t get it to go away. I’ve even considered just ending it to all to make it easier on myself and to make sure that I never have the opportunity to act on these horrible thoughts and feelings. I don’t ever want to do these things and I know it may sound ridiculous, but the consequences of these actions I haven’t committed scare me as well such as people no longer trusting or loving me, prison, hurting someone else in any way, not being a good person, etc. I just can’t find anything that helps fix this. I have broken down many times due to this issue and I feel like it’ll never go away. I know killing my sled is not the answer and I know I will never act on any of this but the thoughts and feelings are so aggressive that I live in an almost constant state of fear of my own mind and body. I hate this. What did I do to deserve to suffer this way? Why me? Why can’t I just be a normal person with normal human thoughts and why of all forms of OCD did it’s have to be this one? I don’t know what to do. Someone please help me fix this before I lose hope.

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POCD self guilt

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