Religious OCD - Evil thoughts

@cassidynichole Thank you so much! Really! You feel like the only one!! I didn’t even realize so many Christians experience blasphemous thoughts, evil demonic thoughts and just wacky thoughts! The guilt & shame that comes with these thoughts! One of the other things that sucks is when you feel like “it’s you”. What if it’s you or just straight up you. Sometimes I don’t react to the thoughts and just rebuke them but others they bother me! It’s like my mind goes see you didn’t react so you wanted it or you thought it! It’s so frustrating. I love them so much and these thoughts hurt! They make me feel like the worse christian or that something is wrong me me! Or how could I be a child with these thoughts. I get so scared like what if they’re mad or sad! What if they leave me because of these awful thoughts! I’m trying to remind myself God loves me NO matter what thoughts come into my head! I would NEVER say these thoughts out loud! Unfortunately recently started having false memory in my OCD so my mind thinks I say the blasphemous thoughts out loud which terrifies me!!! So I know it isn’t me. Someone who doesn’t care wouldn’t care to say it! I care! I would never! But someone I watched made such a good point. Even IF I did accidentally say it! Because it would be an accident! Or even if someone meant it. He wouldn’t be upset! Also I’ve seen amazing stories of people who actually are satanist or said things to God and done really bad things and have been converted and changed! It shows God opens our eyes, forgives us and shows that we’re NEVER too far from Him!! Honestly deep down i believe God forgives ALL sin. It says He forgives ALL! Someone said blasphemy is when you don’t ever rent and reject God until the day you die. (Which breaks my heart) I definitely need to work on not trying to control them or judging myself. I was thinking of a story about how someone “sold there soul” (which I don’t believe you can do that because God created our souls so He owns them) but thinking about it I could “feel” like trigger thoughts coming and was trying SO hard NOT to think of those thoughts and guess what? I thought them… so it felt like me… which makes me want to cry. Literally my main them is doubting God. Sometimes His existence. I still love them so much! I’ve watched Mark Dejesus! I definitely need to watch more of his videos! He definitely is one of the kindest and understanding people when it comes to OCD! The way He talks about God when it comes to our OCD honestly makes Him seem like such a sweet bear! Like from an outside view He seems scary because bears are huge but He just so sweet, gentle and kind! It’s just when I’m OCD you can’t see it. I try SO hard not to have the thoughts and that’s definitely a problem! I guess I try so hard to prove to Him and myself that I don’t want these thoughts! OCD is one of the trickiest disorders. It makes me doubt I even have OCD!

@Cammy123 So many Christians experience this!!! You are so loved. Many saints have experienced and written about the same exact things. Including St Therese of Lisieux, St Ignatious of Loyola and more. I highly recommend reading their stories as well. The only thing God doesn’t forgive is exactly what you said. One thing I want to revisit is how you said you can feel the trigger thought coming and you try and control it. I do the EXACT same thing. I call it “Tourette’s of the brain” it’s like something I feel like I have no control over. You do not have to prove yourself to God, he already knows you and your heart better than you do. God bless you, you’re going to get through this

@cassidynichole Thank you!! I just want to make Him proud! Obviously having such awful thoughts about Him that feel so against your faith and values suck! Especially those Satan thoughts. They bother me so much! I sometimes tend to thought replace and accidentally say the opposite thoughts! Or I’ll be saying something and it’s like my mind did the old switcheroo! Oh my goodness I say the exact thing!!! I explained it like Tourette’s!! I even tell God it feels like a tick or Tourette’s in my mind!! Literally that’s the only way I can describe it! Sometimes I even shake my head like a etch a sketch to try NOT to think about it!! Then when you think about it, it feels like you did it. Sometimes I feel like I subconsciously think about it or like my mind is looking for those thoughts to alert me or let me know oh they’re still there. Thank you so much for replying! It means a lot! I always pray that God helps me and puts people into my path and life who understands and can help or even give advice!

@Cammy123 I am going through this to!!! I feel like as soon as my mind realised it hasn’t thought a bad thought I’m 5 mins it instantly thinks of one!!! I’ve said the only way I can describe it to is like Tourette’s!!! It’s like I know sometimes when I’m going to have a thought because I feel instant panic like I’ve realised I’ve not thought somethjng and it’s like I’m wanting to put myself back into the state of panic if I repeat random words on my head to try redirect my brain before it think something bad but all it does is bring on a thought!!! I hate it so much!!! Mine are blasphemous/sexual/doubting literally the worst thoughts you can think off!!! I HATE this so much to the point I’ve cried and begged for me to get some serious illness if it means these awful thoughts will stop that’s how desperate I want them to leave!!! I feel like all I do all day every day is cuss God and say bad things about him in my head!!! Then I get the thoughts that follow like ‘your saying them because you don’t actually care if you go to hell’ or ‘You want these thoughts’ 😩😩😩😩 your 100% not alone ❤️

@AmandaB345 Thank you so much for sharing! I’m sorry you have to deal with thoughts too! Honestly I truly gave myself to Jesus last year and had literally the most amazing 4 months of my life until OCD latched onto my faith! I started having doubting thoughts, blasphemous intrusive thoughts (which was off and on) and just feelings of shame & guilt! It started making me doubt reality! God, Jesus, the Bible, Satan and myself! Literally everything! Even OCD! Even tho I have awful thoughts especially about the devil which makes me want to cry! I NEVER want to give up! I want to live my life for them! Even through the doubt and blasphemous thoughts! I cry so much! I love them! I hate these thoughts but after being plagued over and over and over again you start to think “is this me?” Or “am I the one thinking these thoughts?!” Thoughts that I don’t want! I don’t want to disappoint them or make them sad or mad! I want them happy. I want to make them proud! But I feel so awful with the thoughts! I hate when it “feels” like “it’s me” but honestly I feel like that’s the trick with OCD! I just pray God & Jesus please forgive me for these thoughts! Sometimes I’ll have false memory and my mind thinks I said them out loud. Which terrifies me!! I hope they never leave me!

@Cammy123 Oh yes!!! Ocd has a trick for everything and is going to make feel everything. I write in a prayer journal to help get my thoughts down and just talk to God. Trust me he is listening and he knows how hard it is but God stays close to the brokenhearted he is with you and he loves you. He sees your tears and knows your hearts. I honestly feel the holy spirit talking to me and is just telling me to say that he hears and sees you and he wants to tell you that everything is going to be alright, be strong and hold faith and everything shall prosper.

@AmandaB345 Thank you so much! I woke up this morning scared because I had an intrusive blasphemous thought and I thought what if I said this out loud! Which scares me so much because I would NEVER say these thoughts! Even tho I’m dealing with these awful blasphemous thoughts I don’t want to give up! I still want to love them and follow them even tho it’s hard! Reading your message honestly made me tear up! I sometimes feel like I can’t hear God and I pray that was a sign from Him telling me I’ll be okay!

@Cammy123 It definitely was!! I just felt the Holy Spirit talking to me telling me to tell you everything is going to be just fine!!

@AmandaB345 Thank you so much!

@Cammy123 Of course!!!