Lonely

I feel so devastatingly lonely too. Unworthy of being alive. My BD is coming, 5 more days, and I know more than half of my life is over and can't stop regretting all the lost years. OCD should be my name, since the majority of years were ruined because of ocd. I know I would have done so many things differently if I had been free from ocd. I don't think I would be living where I live now, probably would be much more confident in myself, would love myself at least a bit, and I don't think I would be married to the same guy. I would probably have kids. I might just know what happiness is. I have been feeling so low, I actually think it would be better if I wasn't alive. My husband is OK, but he doesn't listen and doesn't understand. We have no friends. He will be at work most of the day on Friday. And in the evening he plans to go to a shop or two to do some grocery shopping. And than the day wi will be over. Nothing. Happy birthday wish and that is all. I will have nothing to remember my 50th birthday by. It makes me completely depressed. My husband doesn't understand why am I making such fuss about it. It's just another day. I haven't had a birthday party in 32 years. Don't have any family or friends. It's just us. I would so much like to feel like I matter and I am special to someone. I am scared of the next few days. What if the depression and anxiety get even worse. I don't trust myself. I have never felt so empty and lonely. Mya11, dear, I am so sorry you are going through this. I understand you. My heart goes out to you. I don't know how to go on myself, but I can still be here for you, so you don't feel like I do. All the best from my heart to you.

We can talk if you’d like girl. I got you !

It's all understandable and I can imagine how you feel. In my opinion you lost your hope and in background of your mind you don't believe it's gonna be okay and you don't believe it will work. And everything you doing even they all right, but you afraid of doesn't work. And thinking about medication how can you back to that without gaining weight but had bad side effects for you . About your therapist, It's important to be a specialist; otherwise, you waste time and money. I Suggesting you stay positive even in these days. Nothing bad lasts forever, Every storm eventually will end.even if it has taken a long time. Believe in yourself and believe that you can do everything. It must be and will be work. Don't disappoint. And never give up .

NODA, remember God loves you. Praying for you now.

Was meds helping

Mya11, hello. Thank you for your kind words. OCD is.... no words. I've had it for 37 years, yet with every passing year with it, I remember more and more vividly the happy, free, beautiful years before OCD struck out of nowhere so to say and slowly became my destiny. Isolation is terrible. Sometimes, just to protect myself from being sad and depressed I do my best to convince myself that I am an introvert by nature and that I actually like being on my own or just with my spouse and that I am better off without other people in my life. I like going out for walks, concerts, theater, I like talking to people, but there is something in me, that sort of gives the vast majority of people in my life the right somehow to use me and drop me without regret. I give my all, when I say no or there is nothing they can get from me anymore, they pretend I don't exist. Just an example : I am pretty good at explaining thing for school to kids. I've had years and years of experience, was locally quite popular with kids and their parents. So their mommies pretend to care for me and be my close friends, just so I help their kids. I teach them, months on end, they never pay. Although they had promised to. Why would they pay an expensive tutor, if they can use me and get better help for free? And I am ashamed to ask for what I deserve. As soon as school is over, I seem to fall out from their memory. All that helps me convince myself I am better off without other people. But I am not. Feeling lonely can be devastating. Thank you for your kind birthday wishes. 😊. My first wish this year comes from you. Thank you. I am thankful for your motivation. I agree that my years made me who I am today. The only problem is that I don't really like who I am very much and I wish I could turn back time and grow to be a different, better, more confident person. It's hard to break the vicious circle made of anxiety, depression, panic,.. I am happy I made you feel less alone. Eventhough I am still down and feel like a kitchen cloth dropped on the floor, you did lighten up my day. Thank you. If you ever need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to tell your worries, I am here. I hope this day brings you beauty, joy and happiness. 😊 But I am not. I wish I would meet someone who liked me for me and not for my skills.

Mya11, by the way, I have done all you have tried as well except dating (since I am married), and nothing worked. I felt the same way about medication. Had the same side effects. I was petrified to go back on meds. But in about 6 years without meds, I did lose a loooot of weight, but ocd completely took over my life. I was scared to even breathe. I reached my lowest low. I was nonfunctional. Thin and good looking but no life, or fat and able to live life to a much better extent than before? The first wasn't t really an option for me. It was so difficult that I spent all my days just in one room in the apartment with only 2 to 3 visits a day to the bathroom. I was scared to touch things in my kitchen, in other rooms and even in the room I was in all the time for almost 2 years. We decided to move. In 2022. The first thing in my new hometown I did was I went back on medication. Scared to death, but it was better to be afraid to death than being dead. First 3 months were ok. The following 6 months the dosage got much higher, I gained about 40% of my previous weight, I feel terrible and depressed about it, I even had to go on pills to lower my blood pressure, but I have no other option. Without meds I am less than a zombie. After a year and a half on Zoloft, my ocd does not run me anymore. There are still occasional attacks of anxiety and then my pet ocd acts up, but I can live with that. I just don't like depression. It's new to me and I don't understand how can I be depressed on an antidepressant like Zoloft. If you can function without meds to the extent that underneath all the problems you are still contend and happy with yourself, maybe other things like ERP could help. But If your life is getting worse and worse, please don't wait as long as I did. It only gets worse. I had tried St.John's Wort, Inositol, Tryptophan, you name it before. No help. Inositol is amazing for the immune system and for women with PCOS, and even people recovering or fighting cancer (people claim). But I was on the very high dosage and ocd was still having a blast. St . John's Wort I would not recommend. Not for ocd. Too expensive and not really affective. Keeping my fingers crossed that you find what is best for you. Have a lovely day.