Relief

I do really feel like personifying my OCD really helped relieve a lot of the anxiety. That and finding a community of people who are having similar thoughts! Being able to take a step back and name a thought as OCD helped me so much. The anxiety is there as MUCH as it was along with the thoughts but knowing that they’re not MY thoughts helped me with direction on where to go from there. I can now get a thought and tell myself it’s ocd because I know it is even when I’m doubting it. I can say to myself even when I’m doubting the ocd that it’s called the doubting disorder for a reason and feel better. I grew up always feeling ~different~ because of my thoughts but never knew they were ocd related and knowing that felt like putting the last piece of a 600 piece puzzle in its place. It helped me put a name to my problems and be like “wow, that explains sooo much” like honestly a weight has been lifted. For that reason,I know I can get through this gross and horrifying disorder.

I’m fairly new to treating my OCD and have felt crazy for most of my life. It didn’t help that no one in my life truly understood OCD and always said I was being dramatic. I very recently (within the past few months) finally got diagnosed with OCD and my whole life started to make sense. However, I recently opened up to someone I really believed I trusted about the intrusive thoughts I have and now feel worse than I ever have before. They essentially called me a psychopath and said they are worried for the people around me. Even though I would and could never hurt anyone. I’ve never felt more alone and broken in my life. I already try very hard to hide my OCD and everything associated with it because no one in my life understands so it’s been easier to deal with it myself than listen to everyone say whatever they have to say about my situation. After what happened today I’m even more inclined to just keep it to myself. I don’t know what I’m expecting from writing this but I figure this is the best place to write what I’m feeling. Going through OCD is hard enough on it’s own. But when people are telling you they think you’re a danger to society and are crazy because of your intrusive thoughts it really hurts. I’m just tired.

Does anyone feel alone with all the ocd struggle? Like, this is not something that we can tell to anyone. I've been feeling so lonely and missunderstood. I mean, I feel like a weirdo. This is so hard. There are some days when I feel like "this is it, i'm gonna be stuck on this forever". Tomorrow i'll see my psychiatrist to make some adjustments on my meds.