Please tell me I’m not the only one

Ok so my main theme is SOOCD and it eats me alive. When I was being bullied in school I became obsessed with talking to strangers on Omegle and began sexting people- including girls and idk if it’s because I thought it was wrong in my head or something which is why I enjoyed it? But immediately after I’d be like ew can’t believe I did that because I was just so horny for everything. I also watched lesbian porn too so this is something that I did for a couple of years since I was 16 but never something I wanted to do in real life. At the time I didn’t care it was some fun but I’m really traumatised by it ever since. I know I’m straight but my mind tells me because I did this online in the past there is no way I am straight. I feel so alone in the world I’ve been to therapy, had advice from several people but I just can’t listen to anyone because I know I’m the only one who has done that. I feel like it is sooooo hard to move past real events when you have OCD because people’s worst fear for me actually happened. So my OCD will forever convince me that I’m gay because of these events. I hate myself so much and always have- I don’t see a way past this and my life is slowly going downhill in every aspect because of it.

Username: Someone99Someone99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

You're not alone, you're not the only one, you're not what your OCD thoughts are attempting to convince you that you are. I've struggled with this as well, as a male. Gay porn, the shame, condemning thoughts... everything you wrote, I could write as well. So, no, you're not alone. I will always be here to talk if you need someone, I'm a male and you may not be comfortable because of that, but I'm here, you're not alone.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

@Mike in PA Hi Mike, I really really appreciate you sharing that- thank you so so much. It is honestly the most difficult thing to struggle with it can be really debilitating at times. But it is nice to know I’m not the only one. I hope you are doing ok and I am here to talk also!

Username: Someone99Someone99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

@Anonymous Thank you! I struggle with self hate too, so your post really touched my heart. We're all so unique in a wonderful way, but the bad in the world, like the bullies and this pesty OCD thing keeps us from giving all we are to others. And also receiving from others as well. 🙁

Username: My OCD AcademiaMy OCD Academia

Date posted: 1y ago

You’re never alone or the only one. Your past or intrusive thoughts might be different than others but it’s always OCD. I know it feels better when you share similar obsessions but part of the recovery is to learn that you can have different obsessions but recognize that doesn’t make you different than the rest of us. We all are suffering. I personally suffer from SOOCD as well but as a straight male. The toxic masculine culture in western society makes it a nightmare because everything a man does is deemed gay unless he acts like a brute. It’s tiring. I’m sorry you’re going through this but know you’re not some special case. You’re a special person but your OCD isn’t special. You are strong and you will get through this

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

Thank you so much haha when you said straight make my OCD was immediately like wait he thinks you’re not straight!! Ah it is something we can learn to live with I hope- it’s so difficult when it makes you feel like you’re the exception and it pushes you to feel like you’re the only one. That’s why I love this app because a lot of this stop is never spoken about as openly as it is here, and for that I am truly grateful. I totally get the whole toxic masculinity culture- that is really hard I can’t imagine how that feels. You should be allowed to feel your emotions the same as everyone else and not be labelled for everything you do as a man. You’re definitely not alone there

Username: My OCD AcademiaMy OCD Academia

Date posted: 1y ago

@Anonymous oh my gosh i didn’t realize i worded it that way i’m sorry! hahaha. it’s been a compulsion of mine so others know i’m straight. this disorder suckkksssss

Username: Roses2021Roses2021

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

My main theme is also SOOCD (started when I was 12/13) and I think it’s stuck around because it was so traumatic for me. Lol anyways, your situation is no different then the rest of us (no offense 😄). We all think we’re the exception hahah Porn was never my thing but I’ve always been triggered by attractiveness and trying to figure why I think women are pretty and why I’m not immediately sexually attracted to men. That being said, I do believe what someone else in this thread said, that we’re all a little bit gay as sexuality is fluid lol.

Username: missbluesky

Date posted: 2y ago

How am I supposed to live my life as a straight woman when I have all these memories of things I’ve done and evidence that proves I’m gay? I don’t understand how that’s responsible. This is my only theme, and I’ve had it on and off since I was 12. It’s been pretty “on” for the last 3 years, and I just don’t see how this is OCD. Why does this have to be my theme? Why couldn’t I get something less realistic or possible to happen? I worry that I will never be free of this, that I’ll never be able to have a relationship. I’m 20 years old and I’ve been scared of being a lesbian since I was 12. This cannot be OCD, it just cant. I simply don’t understand. I am turned on by lesbian porn, for Christ sake! Even when I’m not actively doing compulsions, the thoughts are still there, but I have no anxiety. They’re just there. I don’t understand how this can be OCD. I’ve been diagnosed several times by several different doctors, but it feels like I know I’ve been lying to them. Whenever I hear about people with REAL OCD, I get a pit in my stomach because I know I don’t have it and I’m a liar and a fraud. Also, does anyone else question the nature of this obsession? Like I feel like this is such an obscure mental illness, not to mention an obscure obsession within that mental illness. It just feels like this big elaborate story that is true for some people, but false for most (particularly me). Like, what the hell are the chances that a regular, normal girl from California has a crippling fear of being a lesbian for almost half of her life, but isn’t actually a lesbian and instead has OCD? That just seems like bullshit. It seems like a cop out. I’m saying this regarding me, not anyone else. I’d really like to talk to someone. I’m having a really hard day.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Username: Aileen Gemmell

Date posted: 2y ago

I don’t know what to do anymore.

Hi just for reference, I’m a girl, I’m almost 17 and I’ve been boy crazy for pretty much all my life. I- I don’t even know what to think anymore, I identify as straight and enjoy thinking about men sexually and emotionally, but I can also masterbate to women weirdly enough? I’ve been diagnosed with pure ocd and I have no desire to have any sexual or emotional relationships with women in real life, and I’ve had hocd for over a year now, but I can masterbate to weird things sometimes and I know I’m not supposed to but I compulsively search things up very often and from what I’ve found most people would say that it would mean that I’m bi. The idea of being bi or gay has made me hyperventilate and cry god knows how many times, at this point I wouldn’t even be angry if I was bi or gay but I know that I’m not. My head keeps telling me that since I can masterbate to gay thoughts or lesbian thoughts sometimes that it means that I’m not straight even though I have no desire to do anything even remotely close to that in real life. This is one of my worst themes of ocd so far as compared to other people who have hocd they don’t get turned on or finish thinking about these things and I do but I don’t identify as bi or gay. I just, I don’t know what to do anymore? I was hoping someone on here goes through the same thing? And I’d really rather not hear that it’s just me denying it, I have a few people I talk to and occasionally when I bring it up they just say I’m in denial so I really don’t know what to do anymore.

Username: ocd_sufferer8

Date posted: 1y ago

My story again.

When I was in like 3rd grade I went to a friends house and she turned on lesbian pornography. I then went home and watched it again, and again and again. This being the only pornography I have watched and “got off too”. I have always had heterosexual relationships and crushes since I was a young girl but this pornography addiction I think is what led me to SOOCD. I have always been scared of being gay and I remember telling myself when I was young when I would watch porn that “one day I have to figure this out, why do I watch this if I’m straight” and that was an ongoing question for years but I was always able to move on. So the question has always been there. But I knew I was always different. Now that I’m 20 and I’m more educated on OCD now I notice how I have always suffered from instructive thoughts just could never put a name to it. Thoughts like death, imagining scenarios and having to plan the resolution as if it will actually happen, existing ocd, all of the above. But now my SO ocd has affected every aspect of my life to where it hurts when I wakes up. And I truly question my sexuality despite loving my boyfriend of 4 years. My question is, anyone who has experienced this, how did you recover. From porn addiction and SOOCD. Does anyone have a similar experience? Please share. I feel really alone.

Sexual Orientation OCD

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