Always Letting Them Down

I have not held a job in nearly a year now. Not since my son came home from the hospital. Something makes me unable to be away from my house and not feel overwhelmed by the anxiety it causes. I am exhausted and tired and more stressed than ever. My husband has started verbally abusing me and making me feel like everything is always my fault. If he loses something I am the first to be blamed for it and he doesnt let up until it's found. If I am the one to find it it fuels him more to tell me how I am a thief and a liar when I haven't done anything wrong. I have started to question my value as a person and I have a pain in my chest that leaves me feeling suffocated and unable to function. I spend so much of my time defending myself and feeling unsure whether or not I should defe d myself at all. I'm losing my mind. I finally found a new job and yesterday when I got to work I had a message from my husband saying that I stole his medication and I had such a horrible panic attack that I passed out in my car. I woke up and was almost two hours late for work so then I freaked out and I was too afraid to go inside to work. I called the HR department and explained everything going on so I have to see a doctor and get their paperwork turned back in before I can return to my job. I'm worried that even if I do get the forms filled out that I still will lose my job. I am so worried. Rent hasn't been paid yet this month and I have been so stressed out that I have virtually shut down altogether. I have no motivation to do anything and I am having to watch my little boy suffer through all the fighting and all the crying. I actually chopped off my own hair this afternoon. I was fed up and I don't know why I did it but my husband was recording my panic attacks and getting a video of me freaking out made it obvious to me that he doesn't care about me anymore other than as something to entertain himself when he is bored. He has become someone I can't trust and it gets tiring having to protect myself and who I am at all times. I don't know how to get out of this situation because I have literally no money and I have no friends in this town. I guess I'm just looking to feel accepted somewhere. I feel like a failure and a let down. I feel like something is seriously wrong with me.

Username: LizardLady95LizardLady95

Date posted: 1y ago

I know the kind of drowning feeling you are describing, it’s all so familiar. I know I don’t know you but I’m so sorry this is happening to you, all of it. You can do it, you can survive this, I believe in you.

Username: bunniesncheesecakebunniesnchee...

Date posted: 1y ago

Oh my gosh!!! That all sounds awful!!! I am so, so sorry you've had to live in an abusive environment for so long, oh my gosh. Having a panic attack that causes you to pass out sounds so so awful and disorienting. Why the hell would your husband record you having a panic attack? That is such an invasion of your privacy and that's terrible. Have you been able to find a counselor over NOCD? Or do you have friends/family that you would be able to stay with if you need a break from your house? Of course I don't know what is best for you to do in your situation, but you deserve ALL of the love, support, help, and comfort possible. YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!!!

Username: morleemorlee

Date posted: 1y ago

I've been there before. I hope you can leave this man or he needs to change to be there to help you. You need someone on your side. Especially when you feeling like this.🫂

Username: Maddie811Maddie811

Date posted: 1y ago

I am so incredibly sorry you are experiencing this. First and foremost this is an abusive situation which I’m sure you know but please remember that you have done NOTHING to deserve any of the abuse. You are a new mom and it is complete normal and human to have anxiety postpartum. I am so sorry that your husband chose to not only not support you but to abuse you on top of leaving you without any support. Please remember that you are the survivor of this situation and again you are not failing in any way shape of form. I am praying for your job to be humane and keep you employed, they will likely understand, please try to go easy on yourself about it, it wasn’t your fault that your husband called you or that you passed out. You are so strong and you CAN walk yourself to a healthy place for you and your son. Just please remember that there are ways you can support yourself too on the journey there. Can your family help you or send you money to get out of your current living situation? You don’t deserve to live through this abuse every day. I know it may be hard but reach out to anyone that you can and talk through this situation. You are strong. You are loved. You are a MOTHER and you can do this.❤️

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

I have pack all of my things into my car. At least the ones that matter most to me and my son. My family owns a lot of land and have a family home just a few hours away from where I live. My dad, whom I believe suffers with undiagnosed OCD, depression and PTSD, has been staying there alone for nearly three weeks now and he has invited me to come for however long I like so I am going. I need a break at the very least and maybe while I am gone my husband will have the space he needs to either change his ways or be left alone with them. I have to see.my PCP and get some paperwork filled out for my new employer. Some accomodations/disability paperwork so perhaps there is some hope there. Hopefully all of the situation has some hope. I am trying my best to stay optimistic about all of it. Another part of.my stress and anxiety is caused by someone stealing my info and doing a bunch of fraudulent things with it financially. I've had to report this to the police and all of my accounts have been frozen so I have no access to any of them at this time. I've had had change my number and get a new email address because the way in was through my Google chrome account. All 182 passwords I had saved are now all different and new. It's been so stressful on my entire family honestly. Especially with my not having a job for so long beforehand. I also had to go through the ordeal where I questioned whether or not I was just being overly paranoid but that was quickly fixed by my bank calling me about a fraudulent check that was uploaded for a mobile deposit last week. That was all I needed to know I was not just imagining things. I appreciate the time you have taken to respond to my post and the encouraging words. They have helped me feel much more validated and sane. I hope you have a great.day.

Username: Anonymous

Date posted: 5y ago

In having suicidal thoughts. And i wouldn’t ever do anything to myself but I sometimes wish a bus would hit me or something to end my pain. It’s a dark feeling. My ex that played with me and I thought was gonna be my husband is secretly married with two kids, and was chasing his ex after a drunk outburst I had from depression. He put me through mental abuse and I was jobless and financially dependent on him. Deep on the inside I felt like I didn’t deserve better than him because when I was working multiple jobs and in debt once a friend told me to try a sugar baby site. I couldn’t make it past two disgusting sexual encounters in a motel room and a bar basement. My dad has beat me up at the time and was emotionally abusive so I was in a rebellious period of my life where I wanted quick money to leave the house, except I was only conned and not paid and just used. I feel like if I ever open up to anyone ever again I will be rejected and judged from my past. I met my ex while trying to start a new life in Dubai and he sent me back to the US for a break after abusive fights erupted. I discovered his secrets and he broke up with me saying he lost feelings and was faking after my drunk outburst. I still can’t find a job in my field and am working as a cashier at a grocery store. I got offered an off the books job that pays more money and my mom is so controlling and a perfectionist she told me if I did that I wouldn’t have my car, so now I’m walking 40 min to my grocery store job in the suburbs. I’m so overwhelmed with depression and stress. My entire life fell apart. I have zero self esteem left.

Username: Anonymous

Date posted: 5y ago

I had to stay home from work today because even though I was exhausted I got 1 hour of sleep. I work 7 days a week between 2 jobs and I finally said today I need a mental day. I am lonelier than ever and have lost friends over the past few years or just lost touch. My best friend ever stopped speaking with me after a group tour of the UK a few years ago and now someone that was our mutual friend is best friends with her and brushes me off. I tried to reach out to my ex friend and make peace but no answer. She has many friends now and a boyfriend. I realize I had some drunk nights that make people not want to hang out with me but I was up last night feeling complete rejection to the fullest and horrible about myself. At rock bottom I have no one. On top of that I was just in a toxic relationship while living abroad and he turned out to be a chronic cheater and married with 2 kids. I have one friend who speaks to me from LA from time to time but as for here in New York I barely got anyone left and bad memories. I can’t be afraid of not going to sleep every night because of thoughts or depression. My period is due any day which doesn’t help. I was just crying so much last night. I’ve never felt so alone. I just feel like a horrible human being that no one wants to be around and I try to make it right.

"Pure" OCD

Username: FacingWhatSc...

Date posted: 2y ago

✋ I’m a serial Job quitter. I have my consult call tomorrow. I don’t know why but I go through spells where I work about 3 months and then I call off , anxiety sets in, & I quit. I’m so sick of this cycle. The anxiety is through the roof! It’s no wonder my blood pressure is so high. I hate this. Everyone I love leaves me and I’m lonely. I know GOD is with me but I’m not going to lie. It’s hard to believe at this moment because of what my brain tells me to be true. My mom used to get mad at me when I was young she’d say… “we shoulda got a check for yo ass” It even became a joke when I got older cuz my parents claimed they were worried about me but was proud I was maintaining. Unbeknownst to them… depression was fully onset and my place was atrocious. Lived in a boarding house with the bed on the floor and mice in the ceilings. Room was always dirty. Shared a bathroom and that was never clean and my neighbors were on heroin. Met my wife and she saved me by moving me in with her but my symptoms kept getting worse and now I’m alone trying to figure this out. The only reason I won’t KILL MYSELF is because I want to prove everyone wrong about me but most days I feel they are right. I don’t know why I’m sharing this cuz I usually just help everyone else with their problems and give advice, but I DON’T WANT TO DIE, so this seems to be the right thing to do.

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Always Letting Them Down

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