ROCD - Broke up with GF

This is so long ah I’m so sorry. I’m really just trying to get all my thoughts out/ see if anyone feels similarly/ and what they’ve found helps. I’ve never been diagnosed with OCD, but I’ve looked into it a lot and feel that I might have ROCD. (I was once diagnosed with anxiety, but didn’t keep up with therapy because my parents weren’t keen on it.) Now I really want to invest in it to get a formal diagnoses/help, and I’m going to start looking into that. I’m scared that this isn’t ROCD, and I’m truly just in the wrong relationship, or not actually in love with my partner. But then sometimes I’m certain it is? We’ve been together for a year and a couple of months, and it has been wonderful. She makes me feel so loved and so understood. She is my best friend. But this summer when we were on break from school I started getting major doubts once I’d found out about ROCD and some of my thoughts lined up with it’s description. I’d already started to have doubts before the summer. She is the first person I‘ve slept with, and it took a while for me to have an orgasm, and that made me freak out and start to question my attraction towards her/our compatibility. Every time we’d have sex I’d worry over this. (Though I also think it has to do with me not knowing what I wanted/what I liked in bed) Our sex life got better but I still had obsessive thoughts. I have them daily - “what if I don’t love her” or “what if this isn’t the right relationship” or “should I be dating someone else” When I’m with her I’m constantly checking. If we kiss, I’ll analyze how it feels (or how it doesn’t) and the same thing goes for when she compliments me or says she loves me. I’ll say I love her but something in my brain will say “but do you really?” Honestly, I’ve gotten to the point where when I think of her or am with her it makes me so anxious. I literally feel it in my stomach and chest. It’s so hard to deal with. I can’t make it stop. I think part of it is that I’m anxious that I’ll feel anxious/start to have obsessive thoughts, so I get anxious? I just want to be able to think of her and be around her and not feel so scared and anxious and always checking. I feel like my anxiety isn’t letting me truly experience my relationship.

Hi all! Curious if anyone else has been similar to my story? ROCD has set in majorly once I talked to my partners parents about proposing, and even got a ring. I had never been diagnosed with OCD before this moment, but it makes sense with a string of my past relationships where I suddenly “lose feelings” after nonstop doubts. After starting this process, I suddenly went through non-stop compulsions, calling everyone I knew who loved me asking if the relationship was right, ruminating endlessly, asking myself why I suddenly felt so much anxiety, and that it must be a sign our relationship isn’t right. Started reflecting back on our entire relationship, remembering moments I felt uncertain, and wondering if they were all signs I needed to break up earlier and didn’t, even though most of our relationship has been full of trust, vulnerability, love, etc. It led to a major depressive episode, where I lost 15 pounds in 2-3 weeks. I started taking Luvox a couple weeks ago, and am doing ERP for the last couple of weeks (though really struggling with it to be honest, because I feel like I constantly cave to ruminations). Currently, my biggest struggle is the thought that occurs that tells me “you two don’t like to do anything together, and you are so different in your interests. You don’t know how to talk to her.” Even though 2 years of our relationship has revealed that we certainly are very different, it didn’t mean we didn’t know how to spend time together, or know how to talk together. But after weeks of that thought happening, I’m finding I feel like I’m almost manifesting it and allowing it to become true. We had a Friday night with no plans where we just got to be together and walk around and spend time, which should be lovely, but I was anxious the whole time and felt like I couldn’t talk or relate. I’m also noticing I’m suddenly questioning if I’m attracted enough to my partner. It feels like I’m self-sabotaging this relationship I’ve had for two years which has been stable, trusting, and encouraging, and I don’t know how to get back to where I was and just feel better, not be overcome with anxiety and fears, and just be confident, and not spiral into “we don’t have anything to enjoy in spending time together, so you need to break up and end this.” This ROCD stuff is no joke. Very excruciating. It’s made me feel like I have to break up, even though I’ve wanted to get engaged. Anyone else had similar situations? I just feel so guilty, because she’s been so excited, and I feel like I’m not able to love her the way she really deserves.

hi so i am pretty new to discovering ocd and trying to figure out why i am feeling the way i am feeling. i’ve never been diagnosed with ocd and honestly thought my anxiety was just super bad until it started affecting the way i saw my relationship. i’ve never had this bad of anxiety in my relationship and around november of last year is whenever i started noticing the cycle of repeated thoughts of “should i break up with him?” ive been with my boyfriend for almost two years. yes we’ve been through our ups and downs and our relationship has overall been such a beautiful relationship (super healthy compared to old ones) we love each other deeply and communicate and just overall find ways to help improve our relationship healthier and i’ve had a doubt here and there throughout these years but since last November i started feeling disconnected with him a little. i started to question sometimes if i really loved him. other times i told myself and asked myself if i should break up with him. if we really loved each other. i started focusing on his features a lot more. to the point where these thoughts around him made me feel so extremely uncomfortable. i’ve done all my research trying to figure out if I love him or not and trying to find reassurance and other people stories to see if they feel the same way I would also see how I feel whenever I was around him and it got to a point where I overall just felt very disconnected with him and a lot of different forms. I sometimes will forget about these thoughts and I will go out through my week throughout my days and I won’t even think about them and then something good will happen actually and it will trigger that immediate thought or sometimes we’re not even doing anything we’re just hanging out and being together and that will trigger the thought of wanting to break up with him and it makes me extremely uncomfortable and it makes me panic gives me anxiety and it just stresses me out because I know it’s not true, but my brain has tried to fully convince myself it is. I was doing really good and I figured out how healthy I wanted this relationship to be recently and because we’ve been so stressed on talking about our relationship and moving on even further and growing together, it started coming back and now I’m very very anxious again. I also have this type of anxiety of obsessing over things such as my health. When it comes to my gut health to my skin I have a very bad habit of having perfectionism not only within, my body face and everything around what is myself. I have a lot of anxieties, and I always thought it was just very severe anxiety until when I was researching why I was doubting my love for my boyfriend I heard of ROCD and I was super curious to know if I even have OCD, I brought it up with my psychiatrist and she doesn’t think that I have any. I have so much anxiety over this I feel like it’s physically and mentally controlling my body from how much it’s overwhelming me. I don’t know what to do. I keep convincing myself it’s not even RCOD and maybe I truly don’t love him but I have no other proof or feelings that that could be true. It’s just a thought that circles in my head and no matter how many reassurance I give myself it will come back within an hour, if someone could please give some advice I will have my own therapy session here soon and I’m very excited to know how I can overcome this