Intimacy and ROCD

So my most current theme has been ROCD. It’s been nagging at me for the last 4 years. OCD makes me INCREDIBLY self critical and I often turn that internal voice on to my partner and can be incredibly critical of him. In essence, I’m almost subconsciously sabotaging my relationship which is the OPPOSITE of what I want. I’m looking for people who experience this same response and patterned behaviour. Share tips, in-the-moment awareness suggestions. Words of encouragement (not reassurance). OCD is such a trip lol

Hey all. First time posting here and I’ve been struggling a lot with this. My partner and I have been together for four years and he means everything to me. He was able to get me and my dog and sister out of our abusive home, has created a family with his family for me and we have been the best of friends. For the past few months he’s been experiencing low libido and it’s been frustrating for me as intimacy and touch are a huge part of my love language. I know he loves and cares about me but I’ve been having obsessive thoughts of whether this is the right relationship for me, if I’m betraying myself and what I truly desire and need, and fearing that I’m going to harm or coerce him into sexual intimacy when he’s not ready. We’ve reached out to a couple therapist to work on this but I keep obsessing and worrying about why if this doesn’t work out and that child we planned to have is going to disappear and the beautiful life we’ve created is going to disappesr too. This has been a confusing theme of OCD because while the feelings are distressing sometimes I fear that I genuinely need to stop betraying myself and break up because I’ve been such a big people pleaser all my life due to trauma. Why if I’ll end up in a sexless relationship my whole life? Why if he ends up feeling traumatized and coerced? I’ve experienced sexual assault and would never want anyone to feel that so it really coincides with my harm ocd. It’s made me feel really suicidal the last time we got into a fight and he felt he wasn’t enough. I hate making someone I love feel this way. I don’t know what to do or if this is even relationship OCD or genuine incompatibility

WALL OF TEXT INCOMING (sorry)! Hello, I hope everyone is doing well and are managing their OCD symptoms well. I have a question concerning SO-OCD and ROCD. A little background first: I developed SO-OCD (have been to therapy here at NOCD and therapist says I meet criteria for OCD and SAD so far) I can't really pinpoint when exactly this developed, but it seemed to have happened when I got depressed, lost interest in sex, then convinced myself that I lost interest in sex because I must be gay despite the rational part of my brain knowing that I haven't desired to be with the same-sex before. It spiraled into heavy rumination, obsessive thoughts and then avoidance. My long-term relationship ended (got cheated on) and that sent me down even further. I've always had low self-esteem, but this killed any semblance I had left. I couldn't sleep, had persistent anxiety, and just felt like my brain exploded from the shock of it all. It's been around 2 years since this ramped up, and it has felt like absolute hell on earth. Lately, my SO-OCD seems to not be triggered so heavily (not getting as highly anxious of the thoughts, and have noticed the thoughts slowing down in overall frequency and have been able to dismiss them easier than before), but I think I have started taking a liking to a gal the past few months, but don't trust my sense of feelings anymore. Some examples: 1) I think I have felt butterflies? But not sure if it is or just anxiety. 2) I am terrified of getting intimate or sexual (fear of embarrassment, or perhaps my "member" not working when the time comes) despite thinking about getting intimate with this lady. 3) Doubting that I actually have feelings toward her (thinking that maybe I'm just trying to force the relationship because I don't want the OCD to be true). Has anyone dealt with this with similar themes? It feels like my SO-OCD has kind of merged with ROCD or transitioning from one to the other. I have a tendency now to expect arousal from every close interaction with a potential partner and if it doesn't happen (like if we give each other a hug after work) then I doubt my attraction despite having been aroused simply by touch previously. I know it sounds goofy, but I think about it every-single-time ("welp, i wasnt aroused that time. I must not be attracted to her!"). It's all a lot to handle when trying to navigate a potential relationship and fear I'll never overcome this intense anxiety to sex/intimacy. So I avoid getting too close or putting myself in situations where these things could occur. Thank you if you've made it this far. This was tough to put out there, but I'd love to hear others thoughts. Again, I hope all is well for everyone and stay strong out there.